This first year in Nepal has been much harder than I had anticipated. A combination of constant culture stress, regular health problems, significant community conflicts, and a year of feeling directionless has brought me to a low point in Nepal, and in my life in general. I struggle with not feeling satisfied with my level of service, my connection with the poor, and my reaction to frustrating situations. All of these things together have lead me to feelings of guilt and self-criticism.
A couple weeks ago I hit a breaking point and wept for some time. I realized then that I have a guilt complex. I recognized that I am really hard on myself and at times have feelings of worthlessness. At that time, I knew I needed some help. So, I have sought out an opportunity for counseling and will soon be headed to Thailand. I will be there for three weeks, receiving counseling from those who specialize in foreign workers in Asia.
Throughout this process I have learned that a year is a common breaking point for people serving overseas. It is helpful to know that I am not alone in this. Still, I recognize that my struggles go deeper than the culture stress, while that has contributed to discovering those struggles.
It is a strange juxtaposition, this hitting bottom and pursuing counseling, and days later getting engaged. I live amidst depression and pain, and at the same time find great hope and joy for the life I have ahead of me, in Nepal and with Susan.
I am really looking forward to this time in Thailand, where I will have the space to dig into myself and discover the brokenness that goes deeper than I realized. Through that, I pray I might walk towards healing and find a healthy life and rhythm on my return.
I didn’t realize it when I had purchased my plane ticket, but I will be leaving this Wednesday, the first day of Lent. It seems fitting that I enter a time of space to walk with God into my own soul at the time Christians set aside each year to look inward. To walk towards the cross and on to resurrection, healing, new life. I will be working through the Lenten guide mentioned in my previous post.
Pray that I might walk through my brokenness towards wholeness.
Marmie's Enchiladas
1 hour ago
5 comments:
I have a guilt complex also. Besides counseling, something that has helped me understand the root of my guilt, and how to let go of it is a book titled, "Escaping Toxic Guilt," by Susan Carrell. Just thought you may be interested in checking it out. It was a huge help to me.
enjoy the journey.
You're in my prayers brother.
Andrew, so much of what I want to say simply can't be words on a blog. And, I'm not sure why Google hasn't figured this out yet, but I want to just reach through this computer and into Thailand or Nepal or wherever you are, and give you one big hug.
Thanks for the recommendation, Becky. I look forward to checking it out. Cassie, thanks for the blessing. Blomgren, thanks for the prayers. And Stephen, tahnks for the hug. I feel the love bro.
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